1001 Bookstores for The Nutcracker Chronicles
why not spend my summer emailing a thousand bookstores?
The next installment in a series in which I interview myself.
Janine Kovac: I’m here with Janine Kovac, mother of three, wife to one. Negligent gardener and a cook with very little imagination. Hi, Janine!
Janine Kovac: Um. I thought you were going to introduce me as the author of The Nutcracker Chronicles and a Scrivener guru with two upcoming classes this summer.
J9: Ugh. I’m so tired of your Scrivener classes. And it’s summer. Nobody wants to think about the Nutcracker in June. They want to hear about your dying rosebushes and your supposedly authentic pasta sauce that hasn’t changed since 1996.
J9: First of all, my rosebushes aren’t dying. They’re resting. And my sauce is the same because that’s what tradition means. Secondly, I’m teaching a fabulous Scrivener class on Tuesday through the Writer’s Grotto in which I will answer all your questions—
J9: Including why you can’t be bothered to water the houseplants your sister bought you for your birthday?
J9: —about Scrivener. You can sign up here! And in July, I’m teaching a two-parter for Hugo House. Scrivener Fundamentals II. It’s like Scrivener Fundamentals I, but with more fundamentals. You can sign up here.
J9: You are the most boring person to interview. Don’t you do anything new or different?
J9: As a matter of fact, I am doing something new this summer. I’m emailing 1001 bookstores and asking them to carry my book The Nutcracker Chronicles on their shelves during the holiday shopping season. Do you know how to buy a book in a bookstore?
J9: You mean, other than picking up a book off the shelf and buying it?
J9: But do you know how books end up on those shelves?
J9: You mean, other than someone opening a carton of books and placing those books on the shelves? I’m starting to doubt whether or not you actually did graduate magna cum laude from U.C. Berkeley, the world’s best public university according to U.C. Berkeley.
J9: Look, you can’t just walk into a store and expect that they will have the book you’re looking for.
J9: Especially if I’m looking for your book, which was published two years ago.
J9: Right. But it’s a book about the Nutcracker. And not only does everyone love the Nutcracker, I’m pretty sure that people also want to read about the Nutcracker. Which is why, in between my June Scrivener class—for which you can sign up here—and my July Scrivener class—sign up here—I am emailing 1001 bookstores.
J9: Wait a minute. You hated the Nutcracker for like, the last five years of your career and then you couldn’t listen to the music without wanting to gouge your eyes out. You even read a piece about wanting to gouge your eyes out with, and I quote “candy canes” for KQED. Fun fact: I like to think of this piece as “Your worst headshot ever.” I was going to include the link, but I don’t have the heart to promote your worst work. People will just have to google it.
J9: Thank you for not driving traffic to that terrible headshot. Fun fact—both my Scrivener classes link to very good headshots. Anyway, now I feel nothing but nostalgia for the Nutcracker, as evidenced by my book The Nutcracker Chronicles, which just received the Eyelands “Writer’s Choice” Award, Greece’s International Book Award.
J9: You also hated the Nutcracker for the last eight years that you were trying to write about the Nutcracker. Did you tell Greece about that?
J9: But it’s not just a book about the Nutcracker. It’s about a book about self-empowerment and personal expression.
J9: Now you’re getting somewhere. Self-empowerment is really big right now on Insta. I saw a woman dressed in a fish head costume. I mean, not even the whole fish. Just the head. And she was tap dancing and she got like, 175k likes. Maybe you should dance in a fish head.
J9: Dancing in a fish head is not going to sell books. That’s why I’m emailing 1001 bookstores and asking them to carry my book The Nutcracker Chronicles on their shelves during the holiday shopping season. Because people will be walking around the bookstore thinking, “Wow. I really want something festive to give my niece for Christmas. Hey! Look! Here’s a book about the Nutcracker!”
J9: I don’t know. I think people scrolling through social media would be like, “Whoa! Who’s this middle-aged lady tap dancing in a fish head? Where’d she get the confidence to post this? I wonder if it’s the same middle-aged lady with the terrible headshot who wrote that Nutcracker book. If it is, I’m going to buy that book.”
J9: I really don’t think you know what you’re talking about.
J9: And you do? One thousand and one bookstores means that you have to send fifty emails a day for twenty days in a row. And if it takes you five minutes to send each email, that’s ten emails an hour with one ten-minute break to practice tap dancing. Which is five hours of emails plus twenty-five minutes of tapping, not including time to pee or water plants.
J9: I’m going to do it. This summer I’m researching bookstores and recording their emails in a spreadsheet and starting in August, I will send out my emails. I figure it will take three minutes per email, not five. And since I won’t be teaching any Scrivener classes (those will happen in June and July) or going to Greece for the awards ceremony (that’s in November) or tap dancing (that’s never), I figure I can send fifty emails in three hours over the course of twenty days.
J9: Wanna bet? If you send out 1001 emails by September 30th, I’ll post a video of me tap dancing in a fish head costume and if you don’t, I’ll post of video of you tap dancing in a fish head costume.
J9: You know we’re the same person, right?
J9: Even better! Fish head tap dancing guaranteed!
Yes, I took the Two Hours on Tuesday in June Scrivener class and really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it! Definitely looking forward to the Dancing Fish-head.
Janine,
Love your post, very creative! And your idea! Good luck with the 1001 emails, can't wait to hear how it goes. Your "Nutcracker" book, as you call it, is the perfect gift, anytime of the year!